The three challenges most of our people will approach you with will be a life crisis, group dynamic issue, or sin issue. We want to: Relate, Reveal, and Respond. We must be sensitive about the reveal and focus much more heavily on the Relating and Responding.

What happens when something deep is revealed? Ask these questions:
How long have you been dealing with this issue (duration of Issue)?
Who else knows? Have you talked with anyone else about this, and did it help?
Have you received any advice or counseling on how to deal with this?
Do you have any plans or next steps planned?How can I help get you connected?

Healthy grieving is being open with our grief and working through the stages of grief as a part of a healthy church community for the purpose of restoring us to equilibrium and peace, while growing spiritually. Unhealthy grieving, which is devoid of God, is focused on the self and will result in torment, resentment, and a hardened heart.

We must always be aware of where a person is based on what they say. Are they looking for or needing a head or heart answer? We should lead with a heartfelt response, which may be a hug or a gesture rather than words. If the interaction is brief or if this appears satisfactory, stop there. If they linger and begin to ask questions, then offer a head answer. This should still be gentle and light on scriptural references. Here are a few suggestions:
Fallen state of creation (Romans 8:19-22)
God’s ways are beyond our own (Romans 11:33-36)
God’s peace as He overcomes the world (John 16:33)

You will hear many pastors and counselors say that in order to be helpful you must remain neutral and be careful not to betray any feelings to the person whom you are attempting to counsel or console. I believe they are wrong! If you become tearful or otherwise display your feelings, you are being real and genuine, and this displays humanness, intimacy, and heart.  The person will know that, at the very least, you care! This is not license to make it about you or to practice bad boundaries; it is an opportunity to really show God’s love.

Grieving is a natural and normal reaction to loss, pain, and suffering. Grieving is both individual and communal–we are not to walk through it alone but in community with God, church, family, and friends. While mourning is normal and biblical, not all mourning will look the same, and not everyone will grieve the same. The stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These stages are not chronological nor exhaustive, and grieving is a non-linear process that looks different from one person to another. We are to share our grief, pain, and suffering with our brothers and sisters and help carry one another’s burdens. Grief can affect us mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually and can manifest in a myriad of ways, including overwhelming sadness, isolation, feeling like you are going crazy, difficulty making decisions, etc. The only way through grief is just that, through it! Some people may feel overwhelmed by grief and may act out in negative coping behaviors like using drugs or alcohol, compulsive shopping, overeating or undereating, or other self-destructive behavior.

Just as Jesus invites us to share in His sufferings; to be yoked with Him (Galatians 6). It is by surrender and acceptance that we allow Christ to do for us what we cannot not do for ourselves, and we allow the Holy Spirit to comfort us. Lean into God; let Him love you (Philippians 4 and Matthew 11:29).

 Positive ways to cope include taking up a hobby, exercising, talking with a trusted friend or counselor, or taking part in a class or group such as GriefShare. We must always be aware of where a person is based on what they say. Are they looking for or needing a head or heart answer? We should lead with a heartfelt response, which may be a hug or a gesture rather than words. If the interaction is brief or if this appears satisfactory, stop there. If they linger and begin to ask questions, then offer a head answer.